From: Reverend Nikita Afanasiy Svyatopolk
Subject: Worship
Date: Tues, 14 May 2008 06:13:32 + 0000

Kind sir,

I am Rev. N.Afanasiy Svyatopolk. God save you and greet you. God has enlisted me to send this email to you to show his divine mercy upon my troubled soul. You do not know me, so please forgive the intrusion. I have been doing God’s work with orphans in Russia in my Ministry in Russia. Recently one of our dear orphan children Terenti has lost his parents. He is very sick with cancer and needs Medical treatment. Before dying Terenti’s parents agreed to transfer to our Ministry a huge sum of money at the tune of Seventy Three Million U.S. Dollars ($73million) which was to be held in lieu of a reliable foriegn partner until said moneys could be deposited in a private Security Company. A GENEROUS HOLDERS COMISSION FEE OF 7 million dolars is the reward of the foriegner who helps Terenti access his parent’s fortune.

I will be pleased if God will grant me the opportunity to work with you on this transaction that benefits poor Terenti. Please indicate your willingness and I am assure you that we may achieve this transaction without risk.

Bless you and your family.

Rev. N.A. Svyatopolk

From: Sister Jayne Mansfield
Subject: Re: Worship
Date: Tues, 14 May 2008 09:39:46 + 0000 (CST)

Dearest Brother in the LORD,

God bring kindness and mercy to your soul.

My apologies for this late reply but thank the LORD that your letter has finally arrived in the right hands. My name is Sister Jayne Mansfield of the First United Church of Maritime Equestrians. I have attached a small photo of my parish that I founded in Southern Utah. Your email has touched me and I am sure that other members will rush to the assistance of Terenti as our parishioners are extremely generous. We would like a brief background on you and your family for our records.

Our CHURCH has over 12000 members across the United States and last year we netted over 11.7 million dollars from private donations. The LORD is with us. We think that as the LORD has been generous to us that we can spread this generosity to you, who seems like a heartily deserving soul. We would like to make an outright donation of $532,097 dollars to your orphanage outright. I know this isn’t a large amount of money, but it has been a busy year for us as we have made several multi-million dollar contributions to worthy causes such as the North Pole Penguin Fund, the Lichin-McCracke Foundation for Sanitary Anal Plugs, and the Nougaty Center.

Although it is our policy to help every Brother in need that we are able to, we will require you to follow a simple list of procedures to claim your right to F.U.C.M.E. and get your money.

I assure you, these steps are easy to follow.

PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING CAREFULLY:

1. To prove your identity, we will require exactly one LARGE and CLEAR photo of YOURSELF with a sign that adds these words of holy writ:

IWAS PWN ED.
PLSLET MI ET URCOC
N’BALS YUMMRZ

Please remember to sign your name underneath the HOLY WORDS, dear REVEREND. We can only make payment upon receipt of your protocol-adherent photograph.

Yours in CHRIST,
Sr. Jayne Mansfield

From: Reverend Nikita Afanasiy Svyatopolk
Subject: Re: Re: Worship
Date: Wed, 15 May 2008 07:01:17 + 0000

Dearest Sister Jayne Mansfield,

I greet you and your wonderful family.
Thank you ever abundantly for your kindly response. I believe God has answered my prayers by sending you through the email program. God will reward your generousity in Heaven someday. I shared your email with poor sick Terenti and he was joyful with such news of a lordly kindly foriegn lady.

I hope that you have good luck and good family around you. To tell you a little about myself, the Lord has blessed me with my baby son Petyr my daughter Olga and my wife of seven years, Svetlana.

I have attached the photo you have asked for plus my family picture and I hope to recieve payment soon. I kindly await your response.

Rev. N.A. Svyatopolk.

From: Sister Jayne Mansfield
Subject: Photo Unacceptable
Date: Thur, 16 May 2008 12:18:42 + 0000 (CST)

Dearest Brother in the LORD our SAVIOUR,

Greetings to you, brother. Though we enjoyed your family photo, we are unable to accept the other photo you have emailed to us. Please re-send the photo with the sign as soon as possible. All photographs must LARGE and CLEAR. Yours was very small and we could not read your sign.

Please re-send a LARGE and CLEAR photo of yourself holding the sign with the HOLY WORDS or else we will be forced to cancel the financial arrangement that was previously agreed to.

Yours in JESUS NAME.

Sr. Jayne Mansfield of the First United Church of Maritime Equestrians

From: Reverend Nikita Afanasiy Svyatopolk
Subject: Re: Photo Unacceptable
Date: Thur, 15 May 2008 23:59:54 + 0000

Dear Ms. Mansfield,

Your humble servant Rev. Svyatopolk greets you. First of all kindly I beg your forgiveness for the delay in my photograph. Sometimes it is difficult to find the proper camera Equipment here in the poor Orphanage where there are only slum buildings nearby. I have walked several kilometers through cold and snow to the internet Caffe to use the email program so I think there is need to reach you by phone. I have sent a new photo and with God’s help I think you will find it to be acceptable.

I do not wish to make you to rush, but poor Trenti has most recently taken very ill and is in desperate need of a Operation of the kidneys. We need your donation very soon to ensure the good health of Trenti. I await your quick response as you are in my prayers.

Your servant.

Rev.N.A. Svyatopolk.

From: Dr. Sei Wei Tan
Subject: Concerning Jayne Mansfield
Date: Tues, 21 May 2008 05:11:37 + 0000 (CST)

Reverend Svyatopolk:

Blessings to you.

My Name is Doctor Tan Sei, and I am contacting you on behalf of the First United Church of Maritime Equestrians. Recently, I found your correspondence with Sister Mansfield in some old files on her personal computer.

I regrettably inform you that Miss Mansfield has recently been killed by her own intestinal gas. Her autopsy revealed huge amounts of methane dissolved in her blood, most likely arising from her preferred diet of cabbage, White Castle sliders, and a copious consumption of an ethnic dish we call “Four Alarm Chili” in this province of the United States. Sadly, Miss Mansfield was found dead from breathing the poisonous cloud that hung over her bed as she slept. Tragically, her death could have been avoided had she slept with a window open.

Mr. Svyatopolk, I am unaware of any dealings that Jayne had with you or your organization. It would be of great assistance if you could provide some information as to what business the late Jayne Mansfield had with your company.

Sincerely,

Dr. Sei Tan,
F.U.C.M.E.

From: Reverend Nikita Afanasiy Svyatopolk
Subject: Re: Concerning Jayne Mansfield
Date: Tues, 21 May 2008 21:55:03 + 0000

Honorable Dr. Tan,

Greetings to you in the Holy Name of our Father, Jesus Christ. I have read your email and I extend my deepest most heartfelt sorrows for the late Miss Jane Mansfield, who I am confident is watching us from Heaven right now on this very day.

Please know that I have forwarded my own past correspondence with Miss Mansfield, who had promised a small half million dollar plus hopefully even some $33,000 dollars from the F.U.C.M.E. church in order to assist the well being of a sick and dying orphan Trenti who is my charge.

Any moneys that you can send to us immediately by Western Union will be strongly appreciated and we shall send many immediate prayers up to heaven on your behalf.

Your humble servant,

Rev. Svyatopolk

From: Dr. Sei Wei Tan
Subject: Re: Re: Concerning Jayne Mansfield
Date: Fri, 31 May 2008 01:45:54 + 0000 (CST)

Dear Rev. Svyatopolk,

Greetings and Salutations.

Please understand that I am an independent benefactor of the First United Church of Maritime Equestrians and that in order to process your request, a wholly new agreement must be made. As the owner of several of the world’s largest corporations and with deep involvement in the Hollywood film industry, I feel confident that my fortune vastly outstrips the meager holdings of the F.U.C.M.E. Church. Nevertheless, I am a businessman willing to wheel and deal if I feel you have something to offer me in exchange.

As a multi-billionaire, I am not particularly concerned about sums as paltry as the half million and chump change that Miss Mansfield was going to send your way. I am more interested in a gifted apprentice who could take over some of the many duties that arise from being the owner of a great deal of international property. Naturally, my apprentice would reap a fortune beyond his wildest dreams.

If you would like to discuss further involvement with me or my organization, please contact me via email.

Sei Tan, PhD.

From: Reverend Nikita Afanasiy Svyatopolk
Subject: PLEASE CHOOSE ME
Date: Sat, 1 Jun 2008 14:20:43 + 0000

Dear Dr. Tan,

Thank you I am very Grateful for your speedy and adequate response. I am very excited about the fresh start You have offered me and I am very excited to work with You. Please know that I await your orders and will abide by any instructions needed to become Your Apprentice.

Your faithful subject,

Nikita

From: Dr. Sei Wei Tan
Subject: Re: PLEASE CHOOSE ME
Date: Mon, 3 June 2008 17:15:26 + 0000 (CST)

Dear Nikita,

May I call you Niki?

I have wired an advance payment of $666 dollars to your Western Union account provided in the attachments of your original emails to the late Ms. Mansfield. This should help cover some of your expenses and compensate you for the time spent writing to me. To prove that you are serious about becoming my apprentice, I will need you to do a couple of things in my name for a special videotape for my personal home collection. If you perform these tasks to my liking, you will be rewarded with a $6666 Western Union payment by next week.

Tomorrow night, under the full moon, I will need you to go to a secluded area to perform the Ritual of the Bald Mongoose. Please see the attached document for detailed instructions. You will need to find at least two liters of animal lard, preferably pig lard, for slathering on your deliciously naked body. Do not forget under ANY circumstances to repeat the Lord’s Prayer backward no less than thirteen times in full, and do not forget the full length mirror. Remember that your ritual must be consummated by a visible outpouring of your seed, otherwise I will not be satisfied by the video and payment will be utterly revoked as per our agreement.

The proper forms are provided at the end of the attachment. Please sign and return immediately.

Sei Tan, PhD.

From: Reverend Nikita Afanasiy Svyatopolk
Subject: THANKS U
Date: Tues, 4 Jun 2008 01:01:19 + 0000

Dear Dr. Tan,

I have received Your Generous payment and Thank you for this splendid opportunity! I am happy to start a new deal with you and have prepared myself the lard and the mirror already. Hopefully I will be blessed with warm weather during the ritual.

As I am a new apprentice, I am sorry to bother you with requests, but may I please say the Lord’s Prayer the regular way? I dont speak English good and I fear that I might make a mistake saying words. Also, what is it that you plan on do with this videotape? I am concerned for my reputation in town if the video is getting to the wrong hands. I am worried that my children might see. Can you assure me in your good Grace and Wisdom that the Video will be safe?

Please send your wisdom and guidance very soon.

Your Niki.

From: Dr. Sei Wei Tan
Subject: Re: THANKS U
Date: Wed, 12 June 2008 11:12:59 + 0000 (CST)

Nikita:

How DARE you question how the ritual be executed or insinuate that I would damage your precious “reputation”!

Our agreement is off. Go fuck yourself.

SaTan

From: Reverend Nikita Afanasiy Svyatopolk
Subject: IM SORRRRRRRRRRY
Date: Wed, 13 Jun 2008 13:34:35 + 0000

MY LORD AND MASTER

PLEASE FORGIVE ME I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I WAS SAYING I WILL PERFORM THE RITUAL EXACTLY AS YOU INSTRUCTED PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET ME BE YOUR APPRENTICE I WANT BE YOUR APPRENTICE I AM DESPRATE PLEASE I AM VERY POOR I NEED A BILLION DOLLARS FORTUNE VERY BAD TO SAVE MY FAMILY I WIL DO ANYTHING PLEASE TAKE ME BACK O GOD

NIKI

From: Reverend Nikita Afanasiy Svyatopolk
Subject: WHY WONT YOU TALK TO ME
Date: Sun, 8 Jul 2008 06:48:57 + 0000

DEAR SIR

PLEASE ANSWER ME IT HAS BEEN THREE WEEKS I WANNA WORK FOR YOU PLEASE O PLEASE LET ME HAVE CHANCE TO WORK FOR YOU I WILL MAKE A GREAT VIDEOTAPE IF YOU GIVE ME CHANCE PLEASE I NEED ANOTHER PAYMENT CAUSE LANDLORD ANATOLY SOINTSEVSLAVA IS DEMANDING MONEY HE IS VERY MEAN PLEASE FORGIVE ME I DID NOT MEAN IT PLEASE SIR

From: Dr. Sei Wei Tan
Subject: Re: Re:re
Date: Tues, 10 July 2008 23:09:44 + 0000 (CST)

Niki,

I have been away on business with the White House, so my apologies for the late reply to the six hundred fifty or so emails that you sent within the last few weeks.

I have attached a new agreement that will require your signature in blood. Please sign it and burn it immediately.

As I am extremely dissatisfied with your performance, I will need you to perform an entirely new ritual to prove your loyalty. You have assured me of a certain landlord demanding money of you, yet after some checking into your background I found that you are not nearly as poor as you say you are, nor does your Orphanage or Tirenti seem to exist. Light research reveals you as a low-level mafia thug in the Organizatsiya who mainly deals in running whores and money laundering. Not exactly the typical activities of a devout Reverend, are they?

Understand that I want the newest ritual performed immediately for my video collection. Please enclose your so-called landlord’s eyeballs in a tightly sealed glass jar to be delivered to this address:

1411 Legion Ave.
Hell, MI 48169
U.S.A.

P.S. Sparing your “landlord” his life would be a very foolish act indeed.

From: Reverend Nikita Afanasiy Svyatopolk
Subject: I LOVE YOU 2ND CHANCE
Date: Wed, 11 Jul 2008 06:48:57 + 0000

DEAR MASTER

DID YOU GET THE PACKAGE YET I AM VERY WORRIED I TIED HIM UP AND GOT ONE OF HIS EYES OUT BUT SORRY HE ESCAPED WITH THE OTHER ONE ITS NOT MY FAULT HES BIGGER THEN ME I AM SO SORRY PLEASE SEND THE MONEY IMMEDIATELY I NEED TOGET OUT OF TOWN I COVERED MY FACE BUT I THINK HE RECKOGNISE ME PLEASE HELP SOON

NIKI

From: Dr. Sei Wei Tan
Subject: I hate mugus
Date: Fri, 20 July 2008 15:36:04 + 0000 (CST)

Dear Niki,

Thanks for the eye and the charmingly funny videotape. I surprised you had the balls to go through with it. Even though I remain somewhat disappointed, my Father has taken an interest in you. He’s very, very old and his collection is much bigger than mine, so my advice is that you stay in his good graces if you wish to escape your town and prosper elsewhere. Despite my objections, he took it upon himself to deposit about $6 million in a Swiss bank account in your name, for which papers are attached.

My guess is that you’ve got to get your retarded mugu ass to Switzerland sometime soon to see whether I’m telling the truth or not.

See you in Hell very soon.

Your Friend,

Satan

From: Reverend Nikita Afanasiy Svyatopolk
Subject: NOW I AM DEAD
Date: Sat, 21 Jul 2008 19:51:28 + 0000

DR> TAN PLEASE HELP ME THAY ARE AFTER ME I FOUND MY CHILDREN THIS MORNING DEAD THEY ARE DEAD THEY HAVE BEEN SHOT PLEASE HELP MY WIFE IS MISSING SOINTSEVSLAVA WAS HIER THAN I THOUGHT THEY WIL KILL ALL MY FAMILY PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO DO I AWAIT YOUR INSTRUSION THEY WILL TORTURE THEY WILL HURT I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT KILL MYSELF WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME WHY PLEASE HELP I WILL DIE NOW